Death

Losing a loved one is always hard. It becomes harder when your ability to vent emotions is non existent. If you have a shoulder to cry on then congrats. It's more then I had. It's been 6 and a half years since the death of my nan. I am unable to vent real emotions. I pretend to and ultimately this is part of me. To hide everything that makes me, me. I remember at the funeral being unable to cry. I acted like a normal day. It was the only way I could cope. Now I look back, It makes me sad to think that she never got a chance to meet my little brother, Jack, or my sister Jessica-Jane. Then I look to the future. I see my own passing. Whether it be seconds after this blog is posted or on the eve of my 100th birthday and therefore miss out on receiving my birthday card from the Queen. Well king, ether William or Harry. If I do last until I am 99, I would've only started to receive my pension 3 years earlier due to depression. I wonder if there is any point in me taking part in the game we call life just to be taken when I least expect it. Most days, I refuse to. I tell myself that I will not marry and not have children but. But on the rare day I feel worthy of a wife and kids I am happy. In my eyes the dead are never truly gone as they leave a scar on your heart which shall never heal.

(I may regret putting this up but It has plagued my mind for so long I needed to release it)